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BLOG15- Loaded Gun



Loaded Gun 

I have been shamed I have been embarrassed and out of faith 
I cannot tell you my name but I did some mistakes I don’t embrace 
For years I have been in recovery and living like a disgrace 
It is my story of fait in a place but I’ve vanished without a trace 

I want to share some details of my hopeless case and my misfits  
How I was an addict and how I ended the conflict that existed  
How I turned to god with prayers that was not neglected 
But my mind got consumed and I was acting like an infant 

I was an addict in medical school and things happened to soon 
I still didn’t graduate but I got consumed to the moon
I was never a drinker I was never sinking but they love to presume 
I was only a kid and not even ready to reproduce 

I was in medical but I was starting to act like a loon
I graduated but I looked myself in my small room
I started to abuse myself and started flying like a balloon
Drinking passing out on the couch and sleeping till noon 

A picture is worth a thousand words with mixed lines   
But my mind is bumping on the curves with each rhyme 
Writing listening to the music in the nighttime 
Writing words on paper until it’s the sunshine 

I loved people but they treated me like a street sign 
I loved myself but I get drunk on bottles of red wine 
Please forgive me for my ability but I would like for her to be mine 
Please god tell me something because I think I am out of my mind 

Forgive me mama for the blue pills you found
And please forgive me for the gun I brought in to the house 
Forgive me for screaming and forgive me for shouting  
Forgive me for me and forgive my wrong rout, I had my doubting’s  

Dear mama I have caused you immense pain 
But you caused me to be insane under the rain
You caused me heartaches and I was going to faint  
I am not the only one to blame and sometimes I act so lame   

When you scream it’s like a loud moving train
When I get made it’s like nothing remains and stays the same  
My life has died in me and my soul has left something 
Sometimes I wish I had a gun and made a run form this nothing   

I am sorry I became so distant in an instant  
I am sorry if I am distant talking to you so different  
I am sorry if I am inconsistent in my existent 
I am sorry I am not rigorous and persistent

I had thoughts about killing myself with a loaded gun 
Maybe I'll get the love after everything is done
Maybe they will miss me and have some fun 
I black out in front of the liquor store till the morning sun 

My heart is still awfully sore and torn  
And my mind is still broken from the core 
I am just a joke for everyone even when I spoke 
One day I'll die and it will all be done and I can go home

Everything will go away and then there is nothing to say  
Everything will be ok and they all can play   
And I will be in front of the heavens gate
But on that day I will be out of faith

I will tell God I'm not that ok and they took my soul away  
I will let him know that they broke me all the way 
I will tell him they left me so lonely everyday  
I will tell him they tore me when I had things to say

I will cry till the angels comes for me and save me  
As I stand behind the gates God will be waiting gracefully 
God will bless me and I will be great after what I’ve seen 
But I will be dead with my spree of tears like a teen 

The screams with the aches I have said
God if you are reading this I am writing it on my bed 
On my knees crying tears like the sea from my head  
On my knees shouting but no one can see from the meds 

God God God please remove my stress
So I don't wonder and say what is this 
But dear God what happened to my human relation  
Sometimes I find myself speaking to your congregation

Your people are full of fake love 
Fake sympathy and lying to the above    
Fake honesty and fake imagination   
They worship you and they start their false accusations

Your people are full of shame, they live and they have each other but you they blame 
I honestly don't know what to say 
I'm just exhausted and I have no power to explain
Even when I remain to exist I will be in the grave

Lately I have been having this dream 
Where I would kill myself and no body would see 
I would shot myself with a loaded gun 
And become one with the ground and my soul would run 

I am sorry I have caused you tremendous pain 
The venom will erase it with bullets to my brain
With a loaded gun like a tool to kill my remain
I am sorry I am leavening you in vain but I love you all the same 

I pulled the gun to my head 
Pulled the trigger and the bullet was red 
I saw a flash and then I was dead 

 ©

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